9/19/2022

We began by exploring the stages of grief and which one we felt we identified most with: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. A lot of us seemed to resonate most with Depression, and Acceptance of where we are in the moment. Others are facing their Anger, their Denial and Bargaining. Whether they are recounting the last days/weeks/months/years with their loved one or feeling that they may have not done enough, or just wanting to return to the way things were prior to the death. It is almost as if we have one foot in the living and another in the dying. We talked about how quickly our lives can change. We can go to bed one night and wake up and everything around us feels different, unsettled, uncertain, and unrecognizable. One individual proclaimed it is like fleeting stability. Everything feels shaky, unchartered. Like you just got off a roller coaster and everything is spinning and you have no control. We are finding as we go into this next season that we are experiencing many triggers. Milestones that we are approaching are creating sadness, anger that our loved ones are no longer with us to see these milestones, and anticipation anxiety for our loved ones birthdays, possible anniversaries, and of course the holidays without our loved ones. We explored the question, “Why do we hide our feelings from one another?” Some state that it is because they do not want to make those that are attempting to console us uncomfortable, with feelings of awkwardness where we do not know what to say, or if we can even say it without breaking down. There are also those people that try to comfort us, but they are not aware or have never experienced what we have and even though their intentions are well, their words are not comforting. Sometimes, to a grieving person, their words may sound like insults. Some may find themselves lashing out to people that say things like, “they are in a better place, at least they are at peace, at least you have the memories”. We get enough of these comments and can sense the energy about a person whether or not they are someone we feel comfortable or not sharing our pain with them. It may take days, weeks, months to find your tribe; those individuals that you can allow yourself to be in the space with your grief and these people become your sounding board. If you do not have this type of support, it is important that you seek out a place, a person, group, friends to provide you this type of support as you grieve. There are times when you need solitude, but there is also times in which you need to surround yourself with supportive, empathetic, and caring individuals that will listen, validate and provide comfort during your grief journey. Sometimes people haven’t experienced a death and cannot provide adequate empathy for us on our grief journey. For those people that make us feel uncomfortable in our grief, do we tell them? Some say they just let it be, just go with the flow. It is not their fault they do not know what to say, maybe they have never experienced a grief like yours, and however we should not hold it against them. Others say they would tell them immediately that their comment was unnecessary; some advised that they would wait until they were in a better head space, and then would kindly educate the individual on what not to say to a person who is grieving. Most expressed an understanding that more communication in matters of death and dying is needed in our society. However, a majority commented that we hope and wish that our loved ones do not have to endure the feelings that we are experiencing on our grief journey. However, we do understand that all of us at some point will be touched by death, and of a dying loved one. We talked about comparing our grief, and how we are all different individuals and our grief is always going to be different. Our relationships are different, unique, individualized so our grief is going to be this way as well. So if someone is telling you that it took them only this long to grieve their loved one, remind yourself that this is them-not you. We all have to provide ourselves some grace to grieve in our own time. Whether it takes us 1 year, 3 years, and even 20 or 30 years to grieve, it doesn’t matter; it is all acceptable and normal. Even if it takes you forever, yes forever…this is okay too. This love was special to you, but don’t think you will feel bad all this time-we learn to walk with our love and grief in balance-it is a process and we learn over time to adapt to our new reality. Remember, it doesn’t mean we have to accept it or like it, we just adapt to it. Remember your grief is your love, and we will never stop loving our loved ones, and so it is acceptable that we will always grieve them in some way. We talked about when is the right time to go through our loved ones items and when to give away/donate items and when to wait. This truly is up to you and when you feel it is time. No one can make this decision for you, and there is no wrong way. You may find that you need to do it right away, or you may find you need to wait a year. You may do it in pieces. One thing is for sure, no time is going to be easier than the others. This is a process, just like your grief. Allow yourself the time to go through the items, grieve when you are able, allow yourself the space to experience and embrace these emotions, and go at your own pace. In our grief, we feel we have little to no control, and being able to make certain decisions that we feel confident with can make us feel that we are progressing in our grief. Sometimes however, we have no choice in when we can donate the items as it needs to be done right away. In those cases, try to find ways in which you can place some aside until you are able to take the time to go through these items. If there is no time and all must go, find a linking object (whether it be a piece of jewelry, a photo, a watch, etc) that you can remember your loved one by with this keepsake. LINKING OBJECTS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nx2VYcbV0Nw https://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/2022-01-10-linking-objects-connect-you-your-loved-one We talked about events, and how out of place we may feel at them. Some spouses talked about slow songs come on, or being in a room full of couples, or possible parent/child events and we have experienced the death of a parent. All of these situations cause us to feel some sort of way like we are missing out, missing them, and not feeling fully present, or connected, and even possibly not joyful. These moments happen, be gentle with yourself. Find different ways in which to cope with these moments that may feel like triggers. We also talked about what to say when someone approaches us and questions us about our loved ones. Instead of feeling panicked, and wondering how you will react begin being proactive (meal prepping) your grief. Possibly give yourself some time before the event and even after to grieve your loved one. Practice some scenarios of people approaching you, and how you may react, and what you may say. Being proactive like this may reduce the anxiousness we feel when attending events after the death of a loved one. We talked about hiding our emotions from loved ones, and how we smile and laugh but it still sucks that we are grieving and we are experiencing this grief without our loved one. It is important that you create and/or find your tribe, your circle of support, your sounding board, a safe haven. Be open to experiences, because even in grief we would like to think that the Universe/Spirit/God is connecting us with who is supposed to be in our lives. Look around at your circle at the moment, are there those that are uplifting you, challenging you, empowering you, and creating a space for you and your grief? Remember even those that challenge us, we are learning from and it may assist us on our grief journey. We talked about how at times we question our faith on our grief journey. This too, is a normal process. People have been being born and dying since the beginning of time, and in the face of death our faith should be able to withstand any emotions that we may have regarding our faith in light of our grief. At a time when our grief is the strongest we question many things, emotions, scenarios, and even life. Why would we not question our faith as well? https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-faith-grief-belief/ Some books and movies that were recommended that may help restore our faith, hope and provide comfort for ourselves are the following: Book: Imagine Heaven by Pastor John Burke https://imagineheaven.net/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7BXP1c-x8E Movie: Sometimes Always Never (2018) (Can be viewed for FREE on Tubi, Pluto, Plex, Crackle, and Amazon Prime) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22R-JQRov_U Movie: Heaven is for Real (2014) (Can be viewed for Free on Hulu, Roku, Sling and Amazon Prime) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-ewaCVARtM We explored a concept called Widow’s Fog, and we discussed that yes widows have this, but it is also true that all of us experience some form of brain fog. Especially in that first year, we may be in a state of shock. It is a form of trauma to experience the death of a loved one. Here are some good articles on Widow Fog (also known as Widow Brain), and brain fog. https://www.thewidowsfoundation.nl/english/medical-information/brain-health-menu/widow-brainwidow-fog/understanding-widow-fog-part-i/ https://widowlution.com/widow-fog-its-a-thing-2/ https://kindnessfp.com/widow-brain/ https://www.americanbrainfoundation.org/how-tragedy-affects-the-brain/ https://batchelorbrothers.com/blogs/blog-entries/3/Batchelor-Brothers-News-Events/92/Understanding-the-Fog-of-Grief-No-You-Aren-t-Losing-Your-Mind.html https://www.findapsychologist.org/6-ways-grief-can-make-you-think-youre-going-crazy-by-dr-alicia-h-clark/ https://www.hospicewr.org/Western-Reserve-CareLink/February-2018/Grief-Brain-What-s-Going-On At times we feel that we are floating, and just going through the motions after a death. It all just feels so surreal. Keep going, even though you miss them. Look for the signs, the messages, and pay attention to your dreams. Try to find peace each day, or a space in which you can dose, rest, and grieve. Please remember that this is your journey, no one else’s. You can grieve for as long as you need to, maybe even forever. But also remember to live, as your loved one would want you to create new memories, beautiful connections, and a life filled with compassion, hope and your own legacy. MEMBER SUBMITTED Did you know that when you cry for your dead, you cry for you and not them? You cry because you “lost them”, because you don’t HAVE THEM by your side. You think it all ends in death. And you think they are NOT anymore. So if your dead no more, where are they?. Yes they have left, or they are now somewhere else, is that place better than this?. Yes, definitely that place is better than this; so Why do you suffer for their departure?. When you have finished accepting that they are no longer "NOT here", but they are still in another place even better than this, for there where they are no longer sick, or suffering. Then you'll stop mourning them and you'll get them back in memory so they keep accompanying you with the joy of all that you've lived. If you truly loved them LOVE them AGAIN and this time with greater strength, with greater purity, with greater delivery. Today, there will be no more reproach of any kind. Only LOVE, will be the essence between you, between us, between them. I respect your pain, and the way you express it. I know you cry and you will cry without comfort. But .. Today I say to you: Don't die with your dead. Remember we are only seeing one side of the coin (death). We are not looking the other way; we are not seeing the wonderful place of light where they stand. What if we start seeing “death” as a Second Birth? Second Birth we ALL will go through. Don't die with your dead, honor them by living your life as they would have wanted you to, let them transcend. And you keep living.